So for those of you who have known me for a very long time, you know that over the course of the past 10 years, that I have not, for more than… three days (?) been single. Therefore I envy those of you who complain about being single. Not because of the lonely nights or feeling like you can’t find someone, but for being able to handle the lonely nights. The lonely nights that apparently come even when you don’t want to be with someone! THAT is how I know I am not ready for a relationship.
I have been drinking daily, spending a ridiculous amount of time with people to keep myself from going home, and just straight up losing my mind for the past couple of weeks.
Yet somehow they have been worth it. As all of my friends know right now, recently I have created quite a few rules for myself. No dating. No drinking Mon-Thurs. No more involving myself in others business when it is unwarranted.
I am a mess. And that is okay.
It took me seven months to realize that I am clearly not over something I have been fooling myself to believe is okay. Yes, I am referring to my marriage. I have struggled more in the past month with my marriage than I have in the three years that I have been married. I cry myself to sleep and even when there are other people in my apartment (aka drunken girls passed out on my couch) I still feel more alone than I ever have.
So my pledge to myself is to look forward, and learn how to deal with those all to frequent lonely nights that I have been experiencing lately. More importantly than that, my goal is to not only be brutally honest with others about their things, but to open up to those friends that I love so dearly and truly do consider to be my best friends for life. Lately I have been putting on a facade for those people and pretending that everything is okay and I am saying now that it is not. I am not alright.
Through all of this, it is amazing how much love there is in my life. I want to thank the amazing people in my life for caring for me the way you do. For helping me regain my confidence back on a daily basis and making me feel like the rockstar organizer that I can apparently be. It means the world to me.
I’m going to start writing more again. I don’t know why I have been keeping it bottled up.
Getting married young means you not only have to figure out how to be an adult but how to be another half, responsible for more than just yourself, and realize that someone is home waiting for you. It means sacrificing yourself and your wants and doing what's best for the marriage when it's not always best for you. It's nitty gritty, it's hard, and it's not. I don't encourage anyone to get married until they've gotten to know themselves for a long time. You need to know who you are, what you want, and what you believe and why before you can become someone else's other half. From one young, married nearly 3 years to another, the first 3 years are the hardest. It will get better. But you have to make it get better and decide what "better" means to you! I heard my pastor say that being married is like making mashed potatoes. You take 2 separate potatoes and peel the dickens outta them. It's a painful process to peel yourself. Then you boil them in scalding hot water. We all know just how we get ourselves into hot water. Then we mash and bash the potatoes together. No explanation needed there. Add in some milk and butter and then it's complete. You can't distinguish one potato from the other. Marriage is what you make of it and sometimes I wish I didn't partake. :P It's not for everyone but it is one hell of a learning experience.
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