One good thing about music – when it hits you, you feel no pain

Yes, I really and truly did just quote Sublime in my blog title.  It happened.  I realized yesterday (yes, it took me that long) that music is my best companion.  Don’t get me wrong, I love each and every one of my friends that I spend time with.  But when I get into a funk and want to hide in the corner?  What I need more than anything is a good song with lyrics that express exactly how I am feeling, belted out at the top of my lungs, followed by a song about how it’s going to be okay.

I love to sing.  Singing makes everything alright in my world.  I’ve shared with a few of you my instances of being unable to pick myself up off the floor… or shower floor in the past couple of weeks and singing through half of my repertoire of a particular type of music has been what has made me pick myself up and tell myself that it is going to be ok.

That’s it for now, but I think I will spend some time this weekend updating my blog playlist so that while y’all are hear reading about the mind numbing things I have to say, you can at least get a dose of what it is that I am talking about.

Watch for Facebook photos this weekend as it’s another action packed one in my little green book!

I get a little bit stronger…

I just wanted to say thank you for all of the positive support and encouragement from yesterday’s blog.  For the first time in a long time I have people in my life that I can depend on and it truly is an amazing feeling.  So y’all get a huge pat on the back.

I had slept really well two nights ago with the help of a friend and was even able to get out of the apartment and on my way to work before 8am.

Today I will not get home from work until 10:30pm and it is putting a huge storm cloud over my head.  I need to snap out of it if I hope to accomplish anything today.

I brought my husband with me last night to a kickball scrimmage.  I am a very competitive person with a bit of a temper that usually doesn’t go so well for all involved when I am playing sports.  He made it a point to compliment me after we left on how much I had calmed down in that regards.  I explained to him that I did lose my temper once but felt absolutely HORRIBLE for it as soon as I did it.  He told me that he was proud of the change that I had made.  It felt great to have someone else recognize all of the hard work that I am putting into myself.  And it even made me realize that I have in fact made some changes.

I am definitely still sad but it just dawned on me that I find myself filling up my calendar now because there are people that I want to spend time with more than the need to just not be by myself.  I love my friends.  I know that for a lot of you that doesn’t seem like some huge revelation but it truly is for me.

When I organized my previous Meetup group I didn’t do a very good job cultivating relationships.  I focused on managing the group.  I have learned that I can do both.  I can constantly put together new events and make sure that new people are creating friendships and take this group of… 15? people that I love and continue to grow relationships…  It’s one of my super powers.  Aside from the steel hands that I apparently have…

If you have no idea what I am talking about, let’s just say I was told I rode the mechanical bull for over 3 minutes today.  Alright.  Fine.  I will go get in the shower and get on with this day.  Hope you all make it a great one.  Lots of love.

Writing for me, enjoy.

So for those of you who have known me for a very long time, you know that over the course of the past 10 years, that I have not, for more than… three days (?) been single.  Therefore I envy those of you who complain about being single.  Not because of the lonely nights or feeling like you can’t find someone, but for being able to handle the lonely nights.  The lonely nights that apparently come even when you don’t want to be with someone!  THAT is how I know I am not ready for a relationship.

I have been drinking daily, spending a ridiculous amount of time with people to keep myself from going home, and just straight up losing my mind for the past couple of weeks.

Yet somehow they have been worth it.  As all of my friends know right now, recently I have created quite a few rules for myself.  No dating.  No drinking Mon-Thurs.  No more involving myself in others business when it is unwarranted.

I am a mess.  And that is okay.

It took me seven months to realize that I am clearly not over something I have been fooling myself to believe is okay.  Yes, I am referring to my marriage.  I have struggled more in the past month with my marriage than I have in the three years that I have been married.  I cry myself to sleep and even when there are other people in my apartment (aka drunken girls passed out on my couch) I still feel more alone than I ever have.

So my pledge to myself is to look forward, and learn how to deal with those all to frequent lonely nights that I have been experiencing lately.  More importantly than that, my goal is to not only be brutally honest with others about their things, but to open up to those friends that I love so dearly and truly do consider to be my best friends for life.  Lately I have been putting on a facade for those people and pretending that everything is okay and I am saying now that it is not.  I am not alright.

Through all of this, it is amazing how much love there is in my life.  I want to thank the amazing people in my life for caring for me the way you do.  For helping me regain my confidence back on a daily basis and making me feel like the rockstar organizer that I can apparently be.  It means the world to me.

I’m going to start writing more again.  I don’t know why I have been keeping it bottled up.