Who are you when you’re happy?

I have noticed in my flux of consciousness lately that I am a completely different person when I am happy. When I have the weight of the world on my shoulders I am a very serious person. When I am ignorantly, blissfully happy? I use horrible childish English, drink lots of wine, and laugh, all the time, about absolutely nothing.

Can you tell the minor differences in when you are truly happy and when you are just normal and when you are just barely surviving?

What about the big differences? I find it so much easier to be nice to someone that I may not be able to stand when I am not happy.

I love listening to the Playlist for this blog. It’s so funny to see the different phases that I go through. Y’all get it at a random mix but if you actually look at the playlist, you can almost see moods based on when the songs were added. Happy ones added together, miserable ones added at a completely different time surrounded by completely miserable songs.

Thank you for making me happy.

I know it’s short, but I just needed to write for a bit.

Hope that y’all are having a fantastic week.

What is your self worth?

What is your self worth?  What are you doing to figure it out?  I am sitting here with my headphones plugged into my iPhone so that I can drown out the noise around my while I should be working to reflect on a lot of choices and decisions made recently.  Not just by me, but those around me that affect how I see myself as a person.

 

Let’s start with the menial crap.  This diet that most of you know I am on.  Somewhere when I was little between the batons, the modeling, the cheerleading, the girl scouts, the basketball team, drama, chorus, and band: it was clearly programmed into my head that I need to maintain the skinny image to find myself attractive.  Great.  The funny part about this?  Is that y’all don’t even seem to think that I have a weight issue.  Regardless of that, for some notion that someone clearly put in my head at some point, I am chewing down the last of a green apple (my breakfast) with a 1.5 liter bottle of water open in front of me.  The one that I am destined to finish before ending my day.

 

What are you self conscious about?  What made you that way?  What are you doing to rid yourself of the issue?

 

For the first time in my life I can honestly say that my self esteem is not dependent on one other person.  The problem is that it has mutated to being in the arms of a good group of oooh… 400+.  That’s right.  The life of an organizer being under the microscope is the issue causing the tension in my shoulders and the questioning of my every move.

 

The funny part about that is when people do actually question me?  They are not worth it, and most the time I want to punch them in the face.

 

Which brings me to another point I suppose.  Who the hell do some of you people think you are?  Are you really that unhappy with yourself that you take no time to dissect the correct way to talk to people?  Why are you not taking the time to make sure that your words do not cause new issues for people who; like you; are struggling to figure out who they are every day without your negativity?

 

I have said it before, and I am sure that I will say it again.  I am the queen of run on sentences.  I apologize about that.  Lately I also find myself to be this tip toeing woman so afraid to hurt or offend others that I end up living a lie to avoid the inevitable.  I am sorry about that.  I am resolving not to do so anymore.  Which will lead me to some pretty tough conversations this week.  Fun stuff.

 

But my challenge to every single one of you is two fold.  If you aren’t already completely aware, figure out what it is that makes you self conscious about yourself, and get on a plan to change it.  I know that this is not as simple for everyone as it is for me to lose 20 pounds.  But won’t it be worth it?  My second one is to not let the opinions of others affect your opinions of yourself, or your decisions in living life.  Do what makes you happy.  We’re only here for so many earth rotations.  Make each one count.

 

Have a great week.

I did not wait for the iPhone5!

If one more person asks me why I just purchased an iPhone4 instead of waiting for the iPhone5, I may scream.  Like scream right in their face.  I am okay with everyone who calls my iPhone racist for being white.  You’re just jealous because mine is sexier than yours.  But seriously people, I’ve done my research, and am even providing it for you.  Stop asking!  :D

August 17 - http://iphone5release.org/new-report-claims-apple-set-to-start-iphone-5-pre-orders-on-sept-30-launch-oct-7/

If the pre-order date is accurate and Apple does intend to start allowing pre-orders on Friday, September 30^th then it’s almost a certainty that they will hold some form of preview event in early September.

August 25 - http://iphone5release.org/ios-5-beta-hints-at-lte-support-in-iphone-5-and-ipad-3/

Although the iPhone 5 is all but confirmed to be launching sometime in September or early October, Apple has yet to even confirm the existence of the device. Nothing is known about what the next-generation iPhone handset will deliver in terms of upgraded hardware or features; whether or not LTE had even been considered by Apple was unknown until the discovery of LTE settings in iOS 5 Beta 6.

http://www.apple.com/ios/ios5/

“Get over 200 new features for iPhone with the free iOS5 Software Update.  Coming this fall.

So anyway, if you have information about what the differences are going to be between 4 & 5, go ahead and share.  If you’re waiting to upgrade for the release?  By all means, go ahead and wait.  But I’m not a very patient woman.  End of story.

A general update for my avid readers

Some of you have been doing some serious harassment of my lack of writing.  I want to say thank you for that.  I have been really busy but this is truly one of my best therapies and really something that I should continue to do.  So let’s dive in, shall we?

Let me just put it out there.  THE QC YOUNG ACTIVE PROFESSIONALS HAS 399 MEMBERS in less than 4 and a half months!  Can you tell that I am excited?  It still blows me away every day what this group has turned into, and the future that I see for it expanding before my eyes.

Huge thank you to all of you who have made it possible.  It is the biggest passion in my life and something that I am very proud (can’t you tell?) of!

Now onto this diet.  It occurred to me about two weeks ago that I am heavier than I have ever been.  Given the fact that I have literally been the same height since I was 13, being about 15 lbs. heavier than I have been in the past 11 years knocked me into a serious funk.

I am happy to report that I have already lost 3 pounds and am on the way to some amazing life style changes that will prohibit me from ever being in this mess ever again!  Yuck!

For those of you about to tell me to be quiet because I’m not fat?  You can just bite your tongue and know that my opinion of my weight matters more to me than your opinion about my weight.  So just hush.

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I may be losing my mind.  I am in this very scatter brained passionate place right now where I’m making a lot of life style changes and doing some serious closet cleaning.  Oh, speaking of closet cleaning (literally) if you wear medium tops and are interested in seeing what I’ll be taking to Goodwill next week – you should definitely let me know…  Cause I’m just gonna take some pictures.  Some of it’s cute and just not my style and some of it’s older.  *shrugs*

I’m on the lookout for a decently priced keyboard and stand right now.  I have decided that I’m going to re teach myself how to play.  This is thanks to Adele.  So, again, if you know anyone who may be looking to unload one, please let me know!

Think, think, think…

Can I tell you that I have a small group of some seriously amazing people in my life?  The people that I have spent the past… three weekends with and who I let crash in random places in my apartment?  Those people are pretty freaking amazing…  The girl that I can literally text anything to at any time of day?  She’s pretty freaking amazing…  The rest of you all rock too, but it’s just really nice to have true friends in my life!

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Wikipedia’s version of Charisma -

The term charisma has two senses: 1) compelling attractiveness or charm that can inspire devotion in others, 2) a divinely conferred power or talent.

Yeah, because that’s not intimidating or anything…

Slowly reading The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership in a continued search to use my powers for good instead of evil.

Yes, this IS a lot of randomness but YOU ALL ASKED FOR IT!

Have a GREAT weekend.  I’ll keep you updated.

One good thing about music – when it hits you, you feel no pain

Yes, I really and truly did just quote Sublime in my blog title.  It happened.  I realized yesterday (yes, it took me that long) that music is my best companion.  Don’t get me wrong, I love each and every one of my friends that I spend time with.  But when I get into a funk and want to hide in the corner?  What I need more than anything is a good song with lyrics that express exactly how I am feeling, belted out at the top of my lungs, followed by a song about how it’s going to be okay.

I love to sing.  Singing makes everything alright in my world.  I’ve shared with a few of you my instances of being unable to pick myself up off the floor… or shower floor in the past couple of weeks and singing through half of my repertoire of a particular type of music has been what has made me pick myself up and tell myself that it is going to be ok.

That’s it for now, but I think I will spend some time this weekend updating my blog playlist so that while y’all are hear reading about the mind numbing things I have to say, you can at least get a dose of what it is that I am talking about.

Watch for Facebook photos this weekend as it’s another action packed one in my little green book!

I get a little bit stronger…

I just wanted to say thank you for all of the positive support and encouragement from yesterday’s blog.  For the first time in a long time I have people in my life that I can depend on and it truly is an amazing feeling.  So y’all get a huge pat on the back.

I had slept really well two nights ago with the help of a friend and was even able to get out of the apartment and on my way to work before 8am.

Today I will not get home from work until 10:30pm and it is putting a huge storm cloud over my head.  I need to snap out of it if I hope to accomplish anything today.

I brought my husband with me last night to a kickball scrimmage.  I am a very competitive person with a bit of a temper that usually doesn’t go so well for all involved when I am playing sports.  He made it a point to compliment me after we left on how much I had calmed down in that regards.  I explained to him that I did lose my temper once but felt absolutely HORRIBLE for it as soon as I did it.  He told me that he was proud of the change that I had made.  It felt great to have someone else recognize all of the hard work that I am putting into myself.  And it even made me realize that I have in fact made some changes.

I am definitely still sad but it just dawned on me that I find myself filling up my calendar now because there are people that I want to spend time with more than the need to just not be by myself.  I love my friends.  I know that for a lot of you that doesn’t seem like some huge revelation but it truly is for me.

When I organized my previous Meetup group I didn’t do a very good job cultivating relationships.  I focused on managing the group.  I have learned that I can do both.  I can constantly put together new events and make sure that new people are creating friendships and take this group of… 15? people that I love and continue to grow relationships…  It’s one of my super powers.  Aside from the steel hands that I apparently have…

If you have no idea what I am talking about, let’s just say I was told I rode the mechanical bull for over 3 minutes today.  Alright.  Fine.  I will go get in the shower and get on with this day.  Hope you all make it a great one.  Lots of love.

Writing for me, enjoy.

So for those of you who have known me for a very long time, you know that over the course of the past 10 years, that I have not, for more than… three days (?) been single.  Therefore I envy those of you who complain about being single.  Not because of the lonely nights or feeling like you can’t find someone, but for being able to handle the lonely nights.  The lonely nights that apparently come even when you don’t want to be with someone!  THAT is how I know I am not ready for a relationship.

I have been drinking daily, spending a ridiculous amount of time with people to keep myself from going home, and just straight up losing my mind for the past couple of weeks.

Yet somehow they have been worth it.  As all of my friends know right now, recently I have created quite a few rules for myself.  No dating.  No drinking Mon-Thurs.  No more involving myself in others business when it is unwarranted.

I am a mess.  And that is okay.

It took me seven months to realize that I am clearly not over something I have been fooling myself to believe is okay.  Yes, I am referring to my marriage.  I have struggled more in the past month with my marriage than I have in the three years that I have been married.  I cry myself to sleep and even when there are other people in my apartment (aka drunken girls passed out on my couch) I still feel more alone than I ever have.

So my pledge to myself is to look forward, and learn how to deal with those all to frequent lonely nights that I have been experiencing lately.  More importantly than that, my goal is to not only be brutally honest with others about their things, but to open up to those friends that I love so dearly and truly do consider to be my best friends for life.  Lately I have been putting on a facade for those people and pretending that everything is okay and I am saying now that it is not.  I am not alright.

Through all of this, it is amazing how much love there is in my life.  I want to thank the amazing people in my life for caring for me the way you do.  For helping me regain my confidence back on a daily basis and making me feel like the rockstar organizer that I can apparently be.  It means the world to me.

I’m going to start writing more again.  I don’t know why I have been keeping it bottled up.